| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|12:38 am] |
So its one year. One year with the boy that shook me to my core and changed everything I thought I had figured out.
Time keeps going but I wish it would stand still. I wish I could freeze our moments and spend my whole life reliving them. I wish time couldnt heal or reconstruct or destroy. I dont know what to do when things change so that my heart and mind are going in two completely different directions. I love him with a passion that I no longer control, but I'm scared to death of being with anyone for this amount of time. It got to the point where it wasnt a choice anymore. I stayed with him because he became a such a vital part of me that I felt as though I literally could not be without him. I dont feel that way anymore. I'm with him because although I'm afraid of wasting my life away with the wrong person and never knowing it, I'm more afraid of letting go of the right person. I want this to be a landmark for us as a beginning of a whole new beginning. Yet so many times it turns into the beginning of the end. I want to let go completely, letting fate take over and trusting everything we have in it. But I believe that good things happen because you work for them. Love was hard to find, but this year has been the most rewarding in my life. And I had to fight for it at times. And I'll keep fighting because our moments are worth it. We are worth it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|12:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Postal Service. | ] |
My boyfriend is homeless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|04:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tweaked | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Billy Joel | ] |
I might as well update since Adderall wont let me sleep. I dont mind not sleeping all night, i just dont want to be tired all day tomorrow. However, lucky for me I have several druggies on my buddy list that are useful for problems such as this. I was told that even if I stay up all night it'll still feel like a full night's sleep. So I'm liking this.
You know, its amazing the conversations you can have with people at 4:30 in the morning. And the things you can learn from other people. People that you never talk to normally. On the surface it appears that I really dont like most people. And I guess thats partially true, but its more that I have a problem finding people that I can get really close to. Im starting to have a stronger faith in humanity though. And in the belief that everyone has some good in them and something to offer.
I've become very fascinated with drugs and medicines and how they work. I took sleeping pills on top of the adderall, but they just made me more tweaked. Which is why I'm updating. I've been writing all night since I got home and I dont want to stop until the sun comes up and I dont know why I cant just be like this all the time. However, I've been biting the shit out of my nails and I think if someone told me right now that I had to either stop biting my nails or be killed I would choose death. And I'm being completely serious.
Today I talked to Megan and Ian about college and growing up and where we'll all be in ten years. I can accept the fact that out little group probably wont be together in ten years, but I just cant imagine it. I've never had friends like this in all my life. I've never been this happy in all my life. And the truth is, I have no idea where I want my life to go or how to get it to go there once I figure it out in the first place. All I can hope for is that I always have passion in my life and that I'm never bored. That's all I really need. I can admit that Im very materialistic in general but I honestly dont care about money as long as I'm living a life that I'm passionate about. I know that sounds like a bunch of bullshit but I really mean it. I dont ever want to be satisfied though. Because satisfaction is the death of desire, and I always want to have desire. I always want to be wanting and searching for something more. I mean, if I'm no longer searching and Ive already found "it"(whatever "it" is) it seems like I would stop developing as a human being all together. I would have nothing to gain in life anymore. I never want to reach perfection because after perfection there is nothing left. I want to always be striving for something. I want to be in a constant state of development. I dont want to ever find myself, but I want to spend my whole life searching.
However, I suppose what Im most afraid of is losing the person that I am right now. I'm afraid of growing up and becoming a lesser version of myself. That's what my parents did. They never got out of this town like they wanted or did any of the things they dreamed of when they were my age. Instead they married someone they didnt really love, got mindless jobs just to make money, moved into a house they didnt really like because they couldnt afford anything else at the time, and had two kids to make all of this somehow seem worth it to them. I love my parents more than anything in the world and I respect them so much for everything they've done for me, but I could never be them. Having children will never make compromising my dreams worth it to me. I will never have children to save myself from a life that I hate. I'm afraid of looking in the mirror one day and not recognizing myself. I want to be the person that I am now for the rest of my life. Of course, I want to expand and grow, but I dont want to lose myself in doing so.
I guess the only thing I really want out of life is to accomplish something significant; even if the only person it's significant to is me. And for me personally, having kids and a high paying job is not an accomplishment but a prison. I dont want to lock myself in a prison that I can never get out of. I want to be free for the rest of my life. I dont want to be an astronaut or the first female president, or a movie star. I just want to create, to love, to inspire, to always be searching. Is that so much to ask?
Kudos to you if you took the time to read all my bullshit.<3. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|02:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jewel | ] |
I love the fact that I am the only one in The Group that has the ability to masterbate. It gives me a sense of power.
I also love the fact that the only problem I'm currently encountering in my relationship is that I can't get my boyfriend to hit me hard enough. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|04:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dresden Dolls | ] |
I dont like sneaking out. It makes me nervous. Im no good at being a teenager anymore I suppose.
And I think tonight was the first night in my entire life that I've been the only sober one. And I actually liked it that way.
But I'm really scared that this means I'm growing up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|06:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Peaches | ] |
I'm going to start using this again.
Dont get too excited now.
My summer so far has been amazing.
Full of "picnics", late nights, lan parties, concerts, love, and unemployment.
I'm hoping to use this time to catch up with a few people whom I dearly miss.
So certain people should give me a call.
I'll stop now for fear of boring everyone to tears if I continue. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|12:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | REM | ] |
I just cant take everything anymore.
I need change.
and less same old, same old.
today i couldnt feel my fingers.
i was holding a cigarette but i couldnt feel it in my hands.
wierd shit.
tomorrow will be the fucking best day.
ill make it.
and honestly ive learned lately
thats theres only two people in this world
that i am madly in love with.
and i will never let them go.
because people let you down.
people are shit.
people change.
but she doesnt. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|04:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | eminem, yo. | ] |
I hate girls
and games and flirting.
its torture.
dont fuck with me
question it with someone else.
girls, what a joke.
what a joke to think id stop wanting them
just because im with a boy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|05:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cake | ] |
i spent my day off sitting in front of a mirror trying to blow smoke rings.
i cant do it.
People in new relationships are extremely interesting and should be studied.
I look at the people I know who have only been dating
for a month or so and they're so cute.
a little on the obcessed side but i know that i was too.
Its just, ive never been in a long term relationship before
and i never knew that things changed this much.
I never understood how fake and meaningless
all that cute "i love you" stuff was.
On the other hand I never understood how much i would miss it.
When you become comfortable with someone in every way (
physically and emotionally) some of the mystery dies.
it isnt as exciting. but it is. in a new way.
You cant really love someone until you know the completely
thats why love at first sight is bullshit.
i guess you never stop experiencing new things you just
become less thrilled and excited about every little thing.
I suppose the key is finding someone you will never get bored with.
I think i did.
Also, i feel rather stupid for being worried about colton.
after this weekend i realized that its all just fun.
there no real harm to it.
someone remind me why i ever stopped again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2006|10:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
I miss the people I dont see anymore.
And you're reading this wondering,
'is she talking about me?'
Yes I am.
And you have no clue how crazy Im going
without you. |
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|
| Last Year |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|09:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mest | ] |
January:New Year's Eve Party at pauls. resolutions to quit smoking pretty much accomplished:)
February:I always fall for the assholes.
March:Random acts of stupidity on my part.
April:Spent pretty much all my time loving paul way too hard.
May:Drivers Ed ruined my weeknights.
June:Got my permit after 4 1/2 hours at MVA. Skinny dipping and other stupid things while intoxicated.
July:Crazy fuckin nights with megan. Hung out with colton for the first time in 3784237 years. saw alexs face for the first time.
August:A few shows. A few girls. My lesbian month.
September:Alex happened to me.
October:i was a (drunk) fairy for halloween and had sparkly black wings:)
November:I cheated. I fell in love
December:I finally got a job at spencers. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Post a reply and I'll tell you 9 things that I like/admire/enjoy/respect about you.
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9) |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|02:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MSI | ] |
And he told me he loved me with tears in his eyes... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|03:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Click Five | ] |
you know that empty feeling you get like somethings not right or something that should be there just isnt? you know the feeling of restlessness? That you're constantly waiting for something that never comes? I dont have that feeling anymore. And to me, this is amazing. So now i get to be happy. and not only am i happy, but im content as well. THIS IS HUGE. Theres just nothing else in the world that i could possibly want right now. i have the most amazing friends and the most amazing nights and the most amazing guy. but it isnt just the external obviously, but the internal as well. ive finally succeeded in making myself happy, and im going to be okay with this. im going to let myself be happy, and savor every moment of my life. because i only get to live each moment once, so i want to live everything to the fullest. and i want you to be there with me while i do it. because the only way i can appreciate true beauty is if i share it with you <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|05:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Panic! at the disco | ] |
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Spun turn tables.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time without sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class.
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.
Ran a marathon.
Lost your virginity.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Got in trouble for something you didn't do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Voted for American/Australian Idol.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn't have.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument
Had more than 5 IM's/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did "spirit day" at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A's.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Been handcuffed.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren't home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.
Done surveys like this to pass the time.
Made online friends and met them in person.
Held your breath in a tunnel the entire time so that you could make a wish. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|07:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | babes in toyland | ] |
im here to pick up his pieces again.
im here to console him again.
i give him love like its my job.
because he totally destroyed me
and still, all i want for him is happiness.
all i want is to see him smile
because he'll always have
part of me |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2005|11:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bratmobile- cherry bomb | ] |
Homecoming last night.
lexi was so blazed
and i licked her face.
got in trouble for dancing too close to alex
only at mt de sales....
*sigh*
got one of those professional pictures done with like 14 other people.
i didnt know at least 3 of them
but its all good.
but now i have no money left
and im going to see degrassi at columbia mall today.
even though i feel like im getting sick
and maybe ill steal some more blow pops for you..
i am such a pussy.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|03:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rilo kiley- more adventurous | ] |
WHY GOING TO AN ALL GIRL'S SCHOOL IS SEVERLY DAMAGING TO MY MENTAL HEALTH:
first of all let me set the scene for you: we all know that girl's are bitches. they're for the most part catty, superficial, jealous bitches. Now imagine 500 of them confined in a small space for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. It gets ugly.
Now consider these points:
1) Girls enjoy being mad at each other. they'll deny this til their death but i swear its true. they absolutley love being upset.
2) Girls get mad for stupid reasons.reasons that dont make sense. reasons that a guy would never even think twice about.
3) When girls are mad they usually dont try to talk to you and work it out. they simply start ignoring you. and they make sure you know it (usually through other people).
4) Now that they're mad at you they have to get other people against you too. Because girls travel in little pacts. sort of like animals. so now that one girl is mad at another and commited to ignoring her she has to get the rest of the pact on her side. and she has to do it quick.
5) Girls are life ruiners. they enjoy destroying your life. they get immense satisaction from this. They'd love to see you alone and defenseless with no friends left.
6) Girls thrive off of drama. if there is no real reason for conflict they will create one.
Last year i lost one of my best friends in the world because of these points. this year im not going to fuckin let it happen. last year if you were mad at me i did everything i could to make you forgive me for things i didnt even do. i didnt start shit with anyone last year. i didnt do anything. and i still lost one of my best friends. this year dont fuck with me because im not taking your shit. ill put you in your place, i wont let you destroy lives and i dont care if you fuckin hate me for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|07:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | no doubt- bathwater | ] |
I am so bad ass. you couldnt even handle it.
yesterday i took the elevator without a pass.
i know what you're thinking
"omgosh no she didnt!"
but wait
it only gets worse.
today i went through senior hallway.
i know, im a rebel.
i have no regard for authority.
so im trying to decide weather or not to go to homecoming:
1) I dont like my school
2) I dont like the people at my school
3) I dont like dancing
4) I dont like wearing heels
5) Marie isnt going
BUT...
I would have pretty much the hottest date ever:)
so what do you think? |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|11:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mindless self indulgence- faggot | ] |
you know im not fuckin perfect.
there are things you dont know that i hide from you because i care what you think.
yes thats right, REBECCA DOES CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK. she just hides it well.
but i smoke late at night when no one else is around.
sometimes i eat peanut m&ms for breakfast
then other times i go an entire day without eating.
food makes me feel dirty.
ill bet you didnt know that.
did you know i wasnt perfect?
did you know i have hundreds of scars all over my body?
did you know i go through people's lockers whenever they forget to lock them?
ive lied to you
and i havent showed you the real me
because it doesnt matter.
you see me as you want to see me.
i post my poetry online for millions of strangers to see
yet i could never show even my best friends.
i post nothing of any real significance in livejournal because its pointless.
and no one cares about my hopes and dreams and ambitions
and guess what
I DONT CARE ABOUT YOURS.
i spend so much time on my myspace
trying to make you see me as i want you to.
but it isnt me
and what you think is me
is probably the opposite.
slut, cunt, bitch, fuck, dyke.
i dont care.
ive had sex
ive done drugs
ive been with girls
what are you going to do about it?
i dont care about the things i should care about.
i dont care about grades and college and making money
i care about being happy
does it scare you that im only 16 but ive been living for ALL of those years
and maybe you're 35 but have only been really living for 10 of yours.
do i scare you?
i try to scare you
so i dont have to think
about how much i scare myself sometimes... |
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apoeticdeath36's journal